Thirty.

A few hours from now, I will have been here for thirty years. Just like that, thirty. As I sit here on the eve of my birthday and try to figure out how to write what I want to say, I think of my life thus far and I see a quick reel of:

–little girl laughing and running free
–something else in the middle
–30.

How can it go so fast? If I think about it for too long, my throat starts to close up, so let’s move on and think about something else.

Today my sweet son pointed out to me that he really, really needs a new belt—a brown one. Woody doesn’t walk around wearing a blue belt! Oh, and that reminded him, “also need a yellow belt buckle and a holster.” This request might have happened any day of the week, and any day of the week I would have turned him down with a “blue belt works just fine. Use your imagination!,” but today I dropped everything, got him in the car and went to Joann’s. Why? Because I’m turning thirty and life is short!    Oh, here we go again.

A few hours later, my four year old had a brown belt and a yellow buckle and a Woody holster.

Earlier this year I decided that for my 30^th, I’d get a tattoo (cover your ears, mom). I would have never thought to do that when I was younger, but… well, life is short, right? But a few weeks ago, my tattoo dreaming got put on the back burner when the results from my first surgery back in September were not what we expected.
The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions and tests and phone calls and doctor’s appointments, and then more surgery last week.

Today, after I finish sewing a proper belt for my cowboy, I head out to see my oncologist. She checks the incisions and tells me I won’t need to come back for three months. I’d like to think I’m closing this chapter for good on the eve of my 30^th birthday. And now I can think about that tattoo again.

I am undone by God’s grace and the way He’s poured love over me without measure. The way He’s been my Constant in the midst of a thousand questions. The way he’s shown me his smile and his embrace through the most beautiful of souls around me (and across the miles and the oceans). I certainly don’t deserve it.

I am humbled by his deep love and it leaves me at a loss for words to say anything else. So that’s it—the end. I’m off to bed. Goodbye, twenties—it’s been real.

“You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath”  -psalm 39:5
I feel you, sir David.

I hope my life can breathe love and joy and Jesus, even if it’s just one breath.