{on motherhood and loss}

I lost two babies this year.

 Two babies I won't get to hold on this side of heaven.

I am trying to navigate grief and come to terms with reality, and I as do, pain hits me in waves. This week, as I’ve been looking ahead into the new year, I am feeling that pain again.

This spring, I’d be welcoming a sweet baby. Plans for the nursery would be in full swing, there’d be a crib in that back bedroom, freshly painted walls, stacks of tiny things.

But when that dream slipped out of my grasp… I dared to dream again.

This summer, I’d be birthing a sweet baby, just around the time of Elias’ birthday—“an early birthday present for you!!” I said to him… because I was so sure it wouldn’t happen twice.

But it did.

The roundness of my belly is replaced by a feeling of empty, the morning sickness is gone, the ultrasounds are all cancelled, the back room still untouched.

In all the dark moments, though, my heart insists on hope. When I want to quit everything and give in to the sadness, there’s someone there to carry me or fight for me. When I am angry with God, I have only him to run to. When I cannot understand, my soul whispers again: “Though he slay me, yet I will hope in him.”         

       HOPE. I have hope that someday I’ll hold another little baby in my arms. I have hope that I’ll get to see that crib in the back room. But even if I don’t--I have hope that, come what may, God is making something glorious out of our broken souls.

We are not given a life without grief or pain or suffering, but we are given this: hope. Jesus. comfort. redemption.

We are not given all the answers in this life—maybe not ever—but we are given this truth: He is good. He is so, so good.

Thirty.

A few hours from now, I will have been here for thirty years. Just like that, thirty. As I sit here on the eve of my birthday and try to figure out how to write what I want to say, I think of my life thus far and I see a quick reel of:

–little girl laughing and running free
–something else in the middle
–30.

How can it go so fast? If I think about it for too long, my throat starts to close up, so let’s move on and think about something else.

Today my sweet son pointed out to me that he really, really needs a new belt—a brown one. Woody doesn’t walk around wearing a blue belt! Oh, and that reminded him, “also need a yellow belt buckle and a holster.” This request might have happened any day of the week, and any day of the week I would have turned him down with a “blue belt works just fine. Use your imagination!,” but today I dropped everything, got him in the car and went to Joann’s. Why? Because I’m turning thirty and life is short!    Oh, here we go again.

A few hours later, my four year old had a brown belt and a yellow buckle and a Woody holster.

Earlier this year I decided that for my 30^th, I’d get a tattoo (cover your ears, mom). I would have never thought to do that when I was younger, but… well, life is short, right? But a few weeks ago, my tattoo dreaming got put on the back burner when the results from my first surgery back in September were not what we expected.
The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions and tests and phone calls and doctor’s appointments, and then more surgery last week.

Today, after I finish sewing a proper belt for my cowboy, I head out to see my oncologist. She checks the incisions and tells me I won’t need to come back for three months. I’d like to think I’m closing this chapter for good on the eve of my 30^th birthday. And now I can think about that tattoo again.

I am undone by God’s grace and the way He’s poured love over me without measure. The way He’s been my Constant in the midst of a thousand questions. The way he’s shown me his smile and his embrace through the most beautiful of souls around me (and across the miles and the oceans). I certainly don’t deserve it.

I am humbled by his deep love and it leaves me at a loss for words to say anything else. So that’s it—the end. I’m off to bed. Goodbye, twenties—it’s been real.

“You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath”  -psalm 39:5
I feel you, sir David.

I hope my life can breathe love and joy and Jesus, even if it’s just one breath.

beautiful mess

A week into September--School is back in session, the evening breeze turns chilly, and pumpkin-spiced latte lovers are rejoicing. I love fall. If you're a normal person, you love fall, too. 

This fall in particular brings quite a bit for us: the official beginning of our homeschooling journey, a much-anticipated Abui & Grandpa visit, and surgery for this mama (and recovery from said surgery, whatever that'll look like).

I’m not sure what it is about these autumn months that turn me introspective (or more introspective than usual). I imagine that just as the cold weather calls us back inside to the comforts of home, this time of year also draws me inward, and I tend to reflect more and ask more questions and look deeper inside my heart. And this soul of mine… it’s messy, and I’m not always sure where to put things, how to put them all in order, or make sense of everything that’s in there.     But it’s home.    And even though there’s a hodgepodge of broken pieces and half-baked ideas scattered throughout, I am overwhelmed by Peace, by Comfort, by the One who wraps me like a warm blanket on a cold day. 

That sunlight dancing through the trees and pouring into my window? That makes everything okay. Things might be a mess in here, but it’s a beautiful mess--because He’s here, too.

And just for fun, a currently-at-home list.

Currently at home, endless piles of:

Books on homeschooling
Colorful plastic bowls in the sink
Love in the form of stick figure cowboy drawings
Puzzle pieces on the floor
Laundry

Diapers
Cabela’s catalogues (clearly, they know how to invest their marketing dollars)
Pears and apples and grapes from kind friends who grow food
Thrifted furniture waiting to be painted
Toys under the couch and hangouts under the table

Little cherry tomatoes (little miss sneaks them off the vine but is not in the least bit interested in actually eating them, so we find them strewn all over the backyard)

Happy Monday to you and you, friends. Have a great week.

Savoring Today

The sun goes to sleep earlier these days, and after an unseasonably gloomy week I'm feeling like August--and summer-- are slipping away. But then I think of golden leaves and apple pie and wearing scarves, and it makes it all better.
Fall will bring its loveliness in time (hopefully not for another month or so)-- but until then, we will squeeze every last drop of warm sun and summer beauty Oregon will grant us.

Some long overdue photos from July, because I'm having trouble with the watermark application I'm using and it takes me forever to mark them all. (Anybody out there have any suggestions? Please do share.)

Sweet babies at the rodeo :

Our little cowboy was so excited about the rodeo that he hardly slept the night before (note to self: never tell child about an exciting event the night before). We were VERY sleep deprived, but it was fun.
More fourth of July festivities:

(This one's for you, Dad!)

 

 July also brought us almost perfect camping weather at the lake. We did have a downpour on our last morning as we tried to pack up... you could say it made the experience extra memorable. 

I love this moment. In the past few weeks, these two have been forming such a strong bond. It definitely feels like the baby years and Mama attachment are drawing to a close, and he's all about "the man" these days. Their relationship is such a beautiful one to watch. 

 

I've got photos to post from our little cowboy's birthday earlier this month and some more family adventures to share. Hopefully I can find an easier way to watermark the pictures and they'll be up in a couple of days. In the meantime...
 

we will savor today, and hope for sunshine tomorrow.

After a long wait...

it's finally here. Summer, glorious Oregon summer.
Summer means I'm in a constant sun high and most days feel like a celebration. And celebrations need to be documented. WARNING: lots of photos to come.

This dreamy Northwest summer doesn't come cheap--we pay for it with a lot of rain and gloomy days throughout the year. But come July? It's on. Summer is sacred. Work and projects and formal commitments are kept to the bare minimum and there's not much on the schedule other than to pick berries, play with water, go camping once or twice and and just BE OUTSIDE.

Bei Bei (Joe's brother) is in town for the holiday and we went for blueberries today.

This little free spirit loves to roam around and explore. Dandelions were her thing today.

We brought home close to twenty pounds of berries and some sweet pictures of these two:

We are so excited to celebrate tomorrow. Have a safe and happy 4th of July!